Finding What Was Never Lost

The last 15 years have been difficult to say the least. But with all of that, none have been more difficult than trying to find what was always there all along...ME! The hardest part of all is being okay with reality, after living lies, or maybe I should say someone else's truth for so long. I was going to put this together like I normally do, with so much thought, carefully and eloquently using my words, but not today. I'm angry, and that for me is the most difficult part of it all. I don't want anyone to see me like this. Vulnerability was a weakness before, but now I realize that it just makes me human, and that is okay! I'm angry because I allowed it, but it's how I grew up, almost as if it was our family dynamic, so I just went with it. I'm angry because it set me up to be afraid to show the real me, and I allowed it. Now that I know more things about why I was raised that way, I can let it go and breath easier. While my mom was alive I couldn't see past her, and couldn't get past what I knew wasn't right but went along with anyway, because that was my mom.. You don't go against your mom, that's very disrespectful. I now understand that mentality and can better understand the effects of it, but I am still angry, and that is okay.

I am no longer hiding the fact that I'm severely flawed because that is what makes me, Lee 2 the muthafuckin Lee.. That's enough of all of that sad feeling shit, I'm ready to live...ABUNDANTLY!!! I miss my mom, and the good times we had. I wish things could have been different for her, and for us, but none of that matters now. I have enrolled in school, am putting my son in school, and will work on building a positive, and fiercely successful legacy. I still haven't cried, and who knows maybe I won't. I didn't really know how to feel about being so okay with my mother dying, but I feel it had to happen so that I could look at me and only me. The negative energy that I entertained when dealing with her faded, but the habits formed, and thoughts created because of it are numerous. I'm in therapy, and am taking steps to change them.

I want to thank my entire support system for showing me what unconditional love is. I have to admit, I didn't trust any of you, and was just waiting for the aha moment, but it never came. I love all of you and realize today that it was just an effect of one of two energies. I'm glad my God brother told me to do this. I was going to do it anyway, but over thought it as usual lol.. It stormed here last night, and I'm glad it did because I was going to write this full of shit blog that was lie after lie, it was not going to be as honest as this. I wasn't going to do it on purpose, it was just the way I taught myself to cope with what I thought was my reality. Now this shit is out here for the entire world to see, and that is scary, but fuck all of that.. It is my reality!!! I'm human and I love meeeeeeeeee, hehe!!!!!!!!!